By: Chris Mincher

It’s been two years since the Board of Public Works approved the contract to design the new Courts of Appeal building — but, given that it had a 10-year term, there still should be plenty of time for Fentress Architects to make innovative adjustments to its design. After all, a lot has changed since 2021, not the least of which is that the building now houses a “Supreme” Court. Of course everything legal that the Judiciary does is well-considered, but is it giving the same attention to making sure its new home is also “supreme”? If not, I have some ideas:

• Self-service checkout. Whether it’s in a brief or in oral argument opening remarks, a lot of unnecessary time can be spent recounting a case’s procedural background or explaining what the party’s request is. What a slog! In today’s world, convenience is king, and anyone who has walked into a recently updated McDonald’s knows there’s a better way: touch screen ordering, with helpful pictures.

Imagine similar time-saving “posture kiosks” awaiting litigants in the appeals building lobby. What court did your case start in? Just touch the corresponding photo! Case dismissed, or lose the verdict — press the frowning judge or the disapproving jury. For those looking for habeas relief, select the open jail cell. Add to cart, swipe your card to pay the filing fee, and submit, and the clerk will call your number when your argument is ready.

• Hologram projectors. Honestly, given how good the technology is already, we’re probably not too far away from arguing in front of a partially remote-but-hologram judicial panel like Anakin Skywalker at a Jedi Council meeting. If it’s possible that a headliner at Coachella can be Tupac Shakur, there’s no reason a Courts of Appeal building tour guide can’t be Thurgood Marshall.

• Special effects. Oyez, oyez, oyawn. To attract these newer generations growing up with limitless options for how to spend their time, the court needs to embrace what I call “appellatainment.” That means generating excitement from the get-go. No more judges quietly shuffling awkwardly into their seats while the crowd silently stands and waits — each judge should burst into the courtroom to a pumping individually selected theme song, accompanied by lasers and a fog machine, and the clerk yelling out “LLLLLLET’S GET READY TO ARGGGGGUUUUE!”

• Enhanced video. Last time I checked, the Supreme Court oral arguments webcast isn’t broadcast by any outlet, not even one of those B-list streaming services like Crackle. Part of that might be a substantial underinvestment in cinematography. Sure, there are a couple stationary cameras, but that doesn’t fully capture the thrill and riveting action of a fiery hot bench. Given that governmental success these days seems to be measured in viewership, the best way for the appellate courts to secure those coveted “sky high ratings” could be a Skycam. Given the recent runaway Netflix success of “Suits,” could the next big hit be “Robes”?

• Audience accommodations. Admit it: There’s something a little disappointing about rows and rows of empty seats for oral arguments. I refuse to believe that people have lost that much interest in the process of meticulously hashing out and deciding the state’s most important and complex legal questions. Rather, people’s expectations as spectators have changed — it’s not just about the quality of the product at the bench, but about the total fan experience.

This means taking a cue from recent movie theater upgrades so oral arguments can be taken in with the comfort of stadium-style seating, fully reclined in lounge chairs, while enjoying snacks and a craft beer from the lobby concessions. (“I’ll take a Re-butter-al Popcorn and an Amicus Ale, please!”) And in June and September while it’s still warm, how about “Family Fun Friday” arguments when you can sit in a special section where the clerk randomly throws a pitcher of water on you? Oh, and if there’s going to be stadium-style seating, accommodating those in the nosebleeds will obviously require installing in the courtroom a massive humongonormous Jumbotron.

• Decision-day ceremonies. Yes, there are a lot of ways the new Courts of Appeal building can take advantage of modern technology, but that doesn’t mean it should ignore tradition, either. Sure, announcing opinions from the bench might be more of a federal custom, but we could top that here in Maryland with a rooftop decree deck. After an email to the entire state bar notifying it that an opinion is final, the authoring judge slowly emerges on the proclaiming platform to the fanfare of trumpets, presents the ruling — I think we can all agree this should probably be on a scroll — and solemnly recites it to the exhilarated throngs of attorneys assembled on the plaza below.